It's been five months since I sat on my back porch with tears streaming down my cheeks. At wits end. In need of answers. In need of peace. Worried, worn mama.
The woods surrounding our home were vibrant hues of orange and yellow to signal winter would soon be on the way. But the October sun was scorching as if it was mid-August.
And on that autumn afternoon, as I looked out on the colorful trees in the backyard, soaked in both tears and sweat, I had what I've referred to since as my "Burning Bush" moment.
Moses saw the bush in flames, but it refused to smolder into ashes. What an unexpected sight that was! Then he was instructed to remove his shoes because he was on holy ground. And he knew he was in the presence of God.
And on my back porch last October is when I had my own unexpected calling from the Lord. He told me exactly what to do. Clear as day- in my mind and deep within my soul. A knowing that can't adequately be described in simple man-made words.
And I said no.
I can't.
It's too hard.
I don't want to.
I don't have time.
I'm not equipped.
My husband won't go for it.
For five months my excuses drowned out the voice of Truth. Because of my disobedience, things got worse. Each day proved to be more and more of a struggle. I found myself in tears on the porch again. On my knees in my closet. Worried, worn mama.
Seventh grade has been a horrible experience for my son. Not only academically but in other ways- in ways other middle school parents probably understand without me going into detail.
And things have gotten considerably worse since October. Worse since the day I cried on my porch and God told me exactly what to do and still I said, "No."
Last Tuesday night, in the midst of yet another homework breakdown, my blue- eyed boy's self- worth was at zero. In that moment, he felt worthless. All because his mind could not comprehend the letters and numbers on that sheet of graphing paper, no matter how hard he tried.
I consoled him. I wept with him. I looked at him sitting there broken and battered, yet again, and said, "You are more than this."
On Wednesday, my heart was still heavy at my son's struggles. My dear friend taught a lesson at Bible study that night about none other than the burning bush. About trusting. About Peter stepping out of the boat in faith. How things just get worse when we don't obey Him. Then she asked the class, "What has God been calling you to do?"
Today, I withdrew my son from public school. We learned at home. We learned at a pace suited for him. We read books he enjoys. He asked so many questions. Math actually clicked. It all clicked. We laughed. He looked at me from across the desk after successfully completing a task and said proudly, "I'm not really dumb, am I?"
***This isn't a post about public school versus homeschool. At the core, this is a post about obedience.
At the burning bush, God told Moses: You must lead.
Moses: Who am I to lead?
God: I will be with you.
God doesn't tell Moses he is equipped. Because Moses isn't. God simply says, "I will be with you."
And that's enough.
What's God calling you to do? What's your unexpected burning bush? The impossible? The too hard? Too inconvenient? Too this? Too that?
I don't know what I'm doing with this homeschool business. But I do know it's what I'm called to do.
Finally... I'm obeying.
I'm trusting.
I'm believing.
I'm stepping out of the boat.
He is with me.
And my boy.
And that's enough.